Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
