I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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