I think im going to throw up on grandma
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
