I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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