Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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