Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
