If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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