i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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