I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
