we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have aggressive nipples.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
