how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
