please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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