I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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