paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
its not stalking. its research.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
