dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
But break dance skills will only take you so far
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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