let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
