I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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