I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
