if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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