i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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