Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
