I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
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