Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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