She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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