I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
