I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you had me at cake vodka
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
