Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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