I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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