Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
