i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
