You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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