U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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