My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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