You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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