I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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