How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I understand Curling. That high.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
