dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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