Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
