either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
