We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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