i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
