So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
