Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
