FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
