This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
