i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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