My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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