I could make wine with my vomit
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
