This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
