She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
