Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
