ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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